Obnoxious Clients

THE SITUATION: I was building an e-commerce site for a client whose shopping cart required a UPS API key for shipping purposes. So I went to UPS.com to get one, and found myself trapped inside a labyrinth of HELL. Ok. Maybe it wasn’t quite a labyrinth of hell, but it did royally suck.

THE PROCESS

1. First you must register for a My UPS account. [Where you best remember to check the box that specifically says NO EMAILS DAMMIT. Otherwise, they assume that the reason you didn't elect to receive at least one of their delightful email communications, is because you were so overwhelmed by the variety (of excuses conceived by UPS to fill your email with as much crap as possible) that you couldn't possibly make a rational decision. So to help you out, they'll send you every possible UPS-related email they can, so that you can be more informed of your options.]
2. Once you have a My UPS account, you can access the magical “request an access key” link. [It would be nice if by the time you clicked the magical link, you had a clue what the different APIs were for. Unfortunately the API descriptions are pithy to say the least.]
3. At which point you have to register for a completely different UPS account. [Which is bizarrely confusing since they don't really make it clear what the hell you are now registering for.]
4. And while the registration for My UPS was relatively quick and easy, this registration…is not.
   1. First you must define your shipping needs. [My shipping needs? I'm not shipping anything. Isn't this the developers section for people who, you know, develop websites for OTHERS?]
   2. Then you must fill out all of your contact information, AND your billing address? [Billing address? Why would I need to input a billing address?]
   3. Hey, lookee here, they want my credit card! Guess that explains the billing address. [Would UPS mind telling me why they want my credit card? I'm not buying anything am I? Does it cost something to register for a UPS account? What the heck is going on?]
   4. And now we get to my very favorite part, the “are you really who you say you are you” questions. [And while you would think it would be pretty easy for you to confirm your identify...it's not. I was literally asked about a phone number from 16 years ago, and that was one of the easier ones.]
5. If you manager to answer the questions correctly, THEN you can finally get the access key. At which point you will be so annoyed with UPS that you will log off your computer for the day)

So the the bottom line is, unless you want to be held financially responsible for your clients shipping costs, make them get the damn API key themselves.

Disclaimer: These orders were established by the Commander (Me) based on her own experience fighting the Gumblar Virus on Wordpress, MediaWiki, and ZenCart installations. She does not claim to be a professional virus fighter. She doesn’t even claim to know that much about computers and the internet (despite the fact that she is a web designer/developer by trade). She cannot guarantee that the plan of attack will work on all Gumblar infected platforms (though she can’t imagine why it wouldn’t). All she knows is that after 3 weeks of battle, the orders below (which pull from a number of Gumblar-related resources) are what finally worked.

Note to Solider (AKA the reader): This OPORD was written with the assumption that you run a WordPress site. However, as mentioned above, it has been successfully applied to MediaWiki and ZenCart installations as well. So when you see “WordPress” in the instructions below, swap it with the name of the platform you are using.

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U.S. WWW COMMAND – OPORD 666
GUMBLAR ANNIHILATION OPERATIONS ORDER

Situation
We are under attack. A large number of websites show recognizable signs of Gumblar infestation. Even those with no recognizable indicators seem to be having issues. Previously proven “Gumblar Killers” are no longer effective. All assassination attempts have failed.

Enemy
Goes by the name Gumblar. First sited in May 2009 when it viciously attacked over 100,000 website. A valiant battle was fought and Gumblar retreated. While in hiding, it strengthened it defenses. In early November 2009, security experts started receiving reports of “suspicious activity” in the land of Gumblar. A few days later, Gumblar made it’s official resurgence, with a rapidly deployed stealth attack on a variety of traffic-heavy websites. Due to the clandestine nature of the attack, Gumblar was able to infiltrate hundreds of thousands of websites before the internet was even aware of initial assault. With it’s clever ability to replicate and spread within seconds of insertion, as well as the ability to disguise itself as regular code, Gumblar has proven to be worthy adversary. Unfortunately, due to it’s resilient nature, it’s been incredibly hard to counteract it’s advances.

KEEP READING SOLDIER...

THE SITUATION: Many years ago, when I was first getting started and eager for work, I (stupidly) agreed to a trade. I would provide the client with a brand new (simple) website in exchange for their one-time service (which would have cost me $300 if I had to pay for it).

3 years later….I’m still working on the site.

Not only did it grow into a monstrously-large and bizarrely-complicated project, the client took over a year to even agree on a design, and then another year to purchase hosting, all the while expecting the content of the site to magically appear, without him having to lift a finger. Once I informed him that the content of a website does not come out of the ether (and furthermore, would not be coming from me), he decided (6 months later) to hire somebody to write the content as well as “oversee” the project.

Oh, and did I mention this was an e-commerce site?

A few days ago I received a little email nudge from the “project manager” asking me if there was anything the client needed to do before I could launch the site.

This was my response.

DEAR MR. PROJECT MANAGER, I’m assuming you’re asking whether there is anything special that [Client X] needs to take care of before he can legally sell his product online. Dude, I am SO glad you asked me this question. I totally forgot to mention the fact that the [e-commerce] website is indeed missing a critical component, which [Client X] needs to have in place before I can finish the site and make it live. What is this critical component you ask?

THE.FREAKING.PRODUCT.ITSELF

I’m sorry man. I suspect by now you’re almost as anxious as I am to be done with this project. However, there is a reason this website has been a work-in-progress for almost 3 years. It’s pretty damn hard to motivate oneself (me) to work (for free) on an (overly-complicated) e-commerce site that doesn’t have an actual product to sell. [Client X] has been working on this product [basically a book teaching people how to make money] for years, and still there appears to be no end in site. How many times has he completely rewritten it? How many times has he made someone sit with him for hours while he looked through hundreds of photos trying to decide which couple exuded “a sense of financial freedom”, or which boat/car/house best represented “wealth”. I’m not sure I see the point in putting up a website advertising a product that doesn’t exist. It would be one thing if the book was being published in the somewhat near future, in which case I could understand wanting to get the site up ASAP to create some advanced buzz. However, you recently informed me that the book hasn’t even made it to the publisher for the first round of edits. Does [Client X] somehow think that he is going to sell millions of advanced copies based on his websites welcome video? Heck, has he even made the welcome video yet?

So to answer your question–Yes, there is indeed a specific requirement that must be met before the launch of an e-commerce website. The requirement being the presence of an ACTUAL PRODUCT TO SELL.

If you have further questions, you know where to find me.

Sincerely,

Your Web Developer

You and your cute little “you’ve spent 45 minutes on distracting websites” and “you’ve been away from the computer, what have you been doing” pop-up messages need to get the fuck off my monitor.

here i am
i am at work
and i don’t know why
since all i do
is sit and view
an unending supply
of random wacky
web pages
true work i do evade
i sit and wait
til it’s too late
i’m shocked i still get paid

once upon a time
there was a girl with curly hair
whose excellent work ethic
fell into disrepair
it was quite sad
she used to love
her job
she felt much glee
yet recently
the thought of her and work
did not agree
to the office
every day
she’d sit and she would stare
as websites flashed
she unabashedly
groaned and sometimes sweared
she waited for
a spark to strike
she waited for the joy
for work in which she used to feel
instead of just annoy
yet weeks have passed
and still the dread
the minute she sits down
in front of the screen
she wants to scream
it really makes her frown

as i sit here in front of my lovely full screen
feigning some work so that it may seem
like I’m doing my job
or something constructive
i must appear to be somewhat productive
to maintain my status of employment
i curse my access to online enjoyment
it makes me look busy
though if you look close
you will find that the screen
is far too verbose
for the type of work I am supposed to be doing
my internet use may be my undoing
so many pages
begging for attention
i seem to get lost
in this cyber dimension
by now you have guess the intent of my rhyme
exploring new ways in which to waste time

i do not want to work today
the feelings very strong
i’d rather spread
my legs in bed
although I know it’s wrong
to avoid duty
for some booty
work needs to get done
sex will wait
i shall abate
my urges to have fun

i’m burnt out on the internet
i use it way too much
for work and fun
i’m never done
it’s a convenient crutch
yet issues keep arising
which I just can’t overcome
browser’s suck
IE’s a schmuck
it’s making me quite glum

i’m normally not a violent lass
my tempter stays quite tame
but if this tedious work goes on
i fear im not to blame
for my actions
maybe vicious
involving a mallet long and hard
smashing my computer
shard by shattered shard

i woke up this morning
i rolled out of bed
and stepped on my poor
little kitty cats head
she screeched and she scratched
her claws did protract
she knocked me right over
and began to attack
her beloved owner
the hand that does feed
with each passing swipe
i began to bleed
until all the life seemed to drain from my being
dancing white angels i began seeing
yet as i came closer they shook their heads no
my ascent into heaven began to slow
one angel approached and began to speak
his eyes were quite sad and his tone was quite bleak
as he recited the rules to get through pearly gates
he informed me that i did not have what it takes
and then with a flash and a devilish smirk
he sent me to hell, aka work