Obnoxious Clients

Disclaimer: These orders were established by the Commander (Me) based on her own experience fighting the Gumblar Virus on Wordpress, MediaWiki, and ZenCart installations. She does not claim to be a professional virus fighter. She doesn’t even claim to know that much about computers and the internet (despite the fact that she is a web designer/developer by trade). She cannot guarantee that the plan of attack will work on all Gumblar infected platforms (though she can’t imagine why it wouldn’t). All she knows is that after 3 weeks of battle, the orders below (which pull from a number of Gumblar-related resources) are what finally worked.

Note to Solider (AKA the reader): This OPORD was written with the assumption that you run a WordPress site. However, as mentioned above, it has been successfully applied to MediaWiki and ZenCart installations as well. So when you see “WordPress” in the instructions below, swap it with the name of the platform you are using.

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U.S. WWW COMMAND – OPORD 666
GUMBLAR ANNIHILATION OPERATIONS ORDER

Situation
We are under attack. A large number of websites show recognizable signs of Gumblar infestation. Even those with no recognizable indicators seem to be having issues. Previously proven “Gumblar Killers” are no longer effective. All assassination attempts have failed.

Enemy
Goes by the name Gumblar. First sited in May 2009 when it viciously attacked over 100,000 website. A valiant battle was fought and Gumblar retreated. While in hiding, it strengthened it defenses. In early November 2009, security experts started receiving reports of “suspicious activity” in the land of Gumblar. A few days later, Gumblar made it’s official resurgence, with a rapidly deployed stealth attack on a variety of traffic-heavy websites. Due to the clandestine nature of the attack, Gumblar was able to infiltrate hundreds of thousands of websites before the internet was even aware of initial assault. With it’s clever ability to replicate and spread within seconds of insertion, as well as the ability to disguise itself as regular code, Gumblar has proven to be worthy adversary. Unfortunately, due to it’s resilient nature, it’s been incredibly hard to counteract it’s advances.

KEEP READING SOLDIER...

here i am
i am at work
and i don’t know why
since all i do
is sit and view
an unending supply
of random wacky
web pages
true work i do evade
i sit and wait
til it’s too late
i’m shocked i still get paid

once upon a time
there was a girl with curly hair
whose excellent work ethic
fell into disrepair
it was quite sad
she used to love
her job
she felt much glee
yet recently
the thought of her and work
did not agree
to the office
every day
she’d sit and she would stare
as websites flashed
she unabashedly
groaned and sometimes sweared
she waited for
a spark to strike
she waited for the joy
for work in which she used to feel
instead of just annoy
yet weeks have passed
and still the dread
the minute she sits down
in front of the screen
she wants to scream
it really makes her frown

as i sit here in front of my lovely full screen
feigning some work so that it may seem
like I’m doing my job
or something constructive
i must appear to be somewhat productive
to maintain my status of employment
i curse my access to online enjoyment
it makes me look busy
though if you look close
you will find that the screen
is far too verbose
for the type of work I am supposed to be doing
my internet use may be my undoing
so many pages
begging for attention
i seem to get lost
in this cyber dimension
by now you have guess the intent of my rhyme
exploring new ways in which to waste time

i do not want to work today
the feelings very strong
i’d rather spread
my legs in bed
although I know it’s wrong
to avoid duty
for some booty
work needs to get done
sex will wait
i shall abate
my urges to have fun

i’m burnt out on the internet
i use it way too much
for work and fun
i’m never done
it’s a convenient crutch
yet issues keep arising
which I just can’t overcome
browser’s suck
IE’s a schmuck
it’s making me quite glum

i’m normally not a violent lass
my tempter stays quite tame
but if this tedious work goes on
i fear im not to blame
for my actions
maybe vicious
involving a mallet long and hard
smashing my computer
shard by shattered shard

i woke up this morning
i rolled out of bed
and stepped on my poor
little kitty cats head
she screeched and she scratched
her claws did protract
she knocked me right over
and began to attack
her beloved owner
the hand that does feed
with each passing swipe
i began to bleed
until all the life seemed to drain from my being
dancing white angels i began seeing
yet as i came closer they shook their heads no
my ascent into heaven began to slow
one angel approached and began to speak
his eyes were quite sad and his tone was quite bleak
as he recited the rules to get through pearly gates
he informed me that i did not have what it takes
and then with a flash and a devilish smirk
he sent me to hell, aka work